Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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