I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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