This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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