it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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