He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
