So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
