I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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