I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
