My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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