Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
