What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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