I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want nice things and good sex
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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