U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
