Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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