If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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