The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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