he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
