I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I smell stomach acid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
