Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
