I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
