Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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