I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
