Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
