i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
