either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
