Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
