I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
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I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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