i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you win again, gameday.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
