I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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