Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
