my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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