put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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