Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
