If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
