Is it because I queefed?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
