id be glad to
this beer tastes like vomit already
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
