Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
