I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
