Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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