i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
