Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
