when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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