i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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