O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
