I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
COCAINE IS GR8
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
