if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
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