So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
