I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
