May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
