A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't put those talents on a resume
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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