Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
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I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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