It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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