Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
