You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
