I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
