well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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