i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
