My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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