I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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