someone owes me an orgasm
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
